It’s been a few days since father put his hands on me sexually, if not because of who he is to me, I know I would have been wanting more of him, but I can’t help feeling disgusted. I am disappointed at myself for even getting wet. I swear I didn’t want to. But I am human, I am a woman. Of course when you touch a woman in the right places, her body will respond whether her heart is willing or not. A friend once told me that the body, the brain and the heart act differently. I sit here trying to justify myself but it does not eliminate the guilt I feel. I have a lot of erotic and perverted images flashing through my mind and I feel I’m going to hell. But when I look at the way Mother treats me, I feel that I may use this as a loop hole to get back at her, yet again, she is my mother, I don’t hate her. Father has not been to my room since that night and I am not looking forward to it. I asked mother for the key to my room a day after that incident but she asked me who I was to want to have a key in her house. I don’t get it, if she said she wanted me have privacy why then won’t she give me a key to my room?
“Blessing, Blessing where are you?”
Someone is calling me, I pay attention before answering. I can see my younger sister walking towards me looking all excited.
“Tonia, you still won’t respect me? When will you stop screaming out my name like that?”
“I’m sorry Sister Blessing, I found out today.”
My heart skips a beat, I feel that guilt again. What could she have found out? Could it be about what Father did to me? Could that be why she screamed my name like that?
“What is it? What did you find out?”
“We are going for the summer holidays. Mum and dad have been planning this a long time. But they just told me today. We leave in four days. Oh I’m so excited.”
“Really? Wow! That’s great. Am I coming too?”
“I don’t know. I think you should ask mother, so that you can start packing.”
I am so excited about this for a few reasons. I haven’t been part of the family vacation in so many years. When father began harassing me, I had made plans secretly that whenever they took me for any family vacation abroad, I will run away. Finally, the opportunity has come. As soon as we get to our destination, I am going to bail on them. Mother won’t even bother to look for me. I will speak to mother, then after packing my things, I will go tell my closest friend Tony. I really like him but I have avoided him alot since that incident with father. I feel so much guilt and shame, I don’t know how to face him. But before I see him to tell him my plans, I will speak to mother first.
“Mother, how come you didn’t tell me so that I can pack too?”
“Tell you what?”
“About the summer vacation.”
“Ohh! I see Tonia opened her little mouth, so? Was that why you spoke of packing? Where are you going to?”
“Ain’t I coming along?”
“To where?”
That alone was enough for me to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. Once again, my mother was going to show me how much she hates me. She was going to leave me with the helps in the BQ and go on vacation with her precious family. On the other times that they have traveled without me, there’s usually a heated argument between she and Father about me joining them.
“She is my daughter and i say she’s not coming.” mother would say to father. But this time, there was no argument. Maybe he just got fed up of defending me. I go back to my room, tears won’t stop dripping down my face. I keep telling myself that it’s going to be okay some day. I guess my plan for escape won’t be happening this summer. I feel very depressed tonight, I’m just going to cry myself to sleep and try to figure out mother’s hatred, why doesn’t she like me? Why? I refuse to go to the kitchen for dinner, I’m not hungry, all I want to do is stay in my room and cry.
I don’t know how long I’ve been in my room but I’m sure it’s pretty late, mother’s hatred hurts like a knife in the heart and I begin to cry again. I can hear footsteps from the hall way and I sit up on my bed. I won’t be surprised if it is father, and just like I’m thinking, the door opens and he walks in.
“Hello Pussycat.”
“What do you want father? Ain’t you supposed to be asleep?”
“I brought you something to eat baby. You didn’t have dinner.”
“I am not hungry.”
“Common pussycat, it’s not healthy for you. Please eat something. I made this food myself and look, i got you ice-cream too.”
“What do you really want from me? Can’t you see I’m not in the mood?”
“I know how you feel baby, I feel bad too.”
“Be honest with me Father, why does mother hate me so much? Tell me why she despises me. You must know something, I’m sure she must have told you. Please I beg you, tell me why she hates me so much. Please!”
“I hate to see you suffer like this, I wish I could tell you something but even if I knew, it’s not my place. Please don’t cry, you break my heart.”
“Liar! I know you know something. Well, since you won’t tell me, leave my room.”
I shift as he places the tray on the table and walks up to me and sits beside me on my bed.
“Calm down pussycat, you should know by now that I can’t hurt you.”
He puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me closer to him in a hug, I let him console me.
“I really do care about you, I know your mother’s hatred hurts but you can’t let it get to you like this.”
I don’t know why but I suddenly feel good in his arms, I have never let him hold me close like this. He’s stoking my hair and it feels nice.
“There must be something wrong with me, I must have done something to deserve all the hatred in this house.”
“No baby, you don’t deserve it, you are so beautiful and you deserve to be loved. Let me show you how much I love you.” he puts his hand on my chin and pulls my face into his for a kiss but I stop him and start to get up.
“What?,” I almost yelled. “No way, you’re my father, you’re my mom’s husband, you shouldn’t even be talking about this, I’ve told you to stop. Now please get out of my room.”
He stops me with his hand, wrapped around my wrist like a vice. “Common pussycat, I’m a man first,” he replied, “and you are one of the sexiest women I’ve seen in a long time. I’ve wanted you for years, watching you walk around here shaking your hot, little ass. ” His words shoots a spear of heat through my body that spreads like a raging fire.
“We can’t,” I said in a small voice.
“We can, and we will. I’ve waited long enough,” he said. His voice strong and husky, and I could see the bulge in his shorts begin to swell with our close contact.
“Stand up,” he commands, “I want to see you. He stands up next to me as I comply and he
begins running his hands gently over my body.
I can’t believe it, what am I doing? No, I can’t do this. I push him forcefully and make to run towards the door but he catches me by grabbing my hair and flings me to the bed, I begin to cry.
“I have been nice to you and you think I’m stupid? Now take off your clothes. I have waited long enough, I let you turn eighteen, give me some credit here.”
“But you are my father.”
“Shut up! I am not your father. I have had enough. Are you going to go naked for me or do you want me to tear those clothes off?”
“I will take them off, please don’t hurt me.”
“Noo pussycat. I can’t hurt you.